Well, that’s what “The Island” is all about. Sort of. Think of it as “The Morality of Cloning, 101″, only with an explosion or some kind of insane car chase every two minutes. Oh, and a really hot female lead.

So Lincoln Six Echo (McGregor) and Jordan Two Delta (Johansson) are two of a huge group of strangely attractive people who live in an ultra-sanitary world, hiding from the “contamination” outside, performing mundane tasks, and hoping that they’ll win the lottery – a draw to see who’s next to escape this immaculate white world and spend the rest of their days on a sun-drenched beach.

Slowly, Lincoln starts to wonder why they can’t go outside. Why they only wear white jumpsuits. Why they want to go to the island. Whether or not the island really exists. His questions are worrying to Merrick, the evil genius doctor who runs the place (Bean). He decides to keep an eye on Lincoln in case there’s something wrong with him. And there is. He’s curious.

So the entire idea behind this film is that the island isn’t quite what they’ve been led to believe. It’s not sandy beaches and sun. It’s not little drinks with umbrellas in them. It’s being carved up like a Thanks Giving turkey so your organs can be given to your “sponsor” – the person who paid to have you made.

There’s a great scene where the clone of a football star, plaed by Michael Clarke Duncan (Armageddon, Green Mile), wins the lottery and leaves the habitat. He discovers his true, horrible purpose when he wakes up on the operating table as his liver is about to be removed. When Lincoln witnesses this, he is terrified, and decides to escape.

He and Jordan, who has just won the lottery, manage to figure a way out of the complex and find their way into town. There, with the help of McCord (Buscemi), they plan their trip to Los Angeles to inform Lincoln’s sponsor of their inhumane treatment. On their way they have to avoid police, bounty hunters hired by Merrick to retrieve his “product”, and Michael Bay’s film-making style.

Bay is the master of coreographed, all-out, completely bananas action sequences. And for 90 minutes, that’s what we get. Jordan and Lincoln dodge bullets, fall seventy stories from a skyscraper while attached to a giant metal sign (and somehow survive) and participate in one of the more interesting “lots of stuff crashing” car chase sequences since Blues Brothers. He also seems to have no shame or remorse when it comes to the characters in his films – He has no troubles in dispatching them in pretty horrible ways once they’re no longer required.

In between these scenes of incredible mayhem, we start to learn a little more about Lincoln and Jordan’s sponsors. Lincoln’s sponsor, Tom Lincoln, is a scot with a passion for motorcycles and incredibly fast things (much like McGregor in real life). Jordan’s sponsor, Sarah Jordan, is remarkably similar to the Scarlett Johansson we know and love. She’s beautiful, has appeared in Maxim and Esquire, and is an actress. In fact, the scene where Jordan really comes to terms with the fact she’s a clone is when she sees a commercial of her sponsor – it’s actually a Calvin Klein ad that Johansson did a little while ago.

But don’t think that this is going to be a really deep and dark look at the moral ideas of cloning. Sure, the potential is there for it, but Michael Bay isn’t really that kind of director. There are a couple of scenes which remind you of “Logan’s Run”, “THX-1138″ or “Clockwork Orange”, and there are even a few eerie metaphors toward the Holocaust. But that only lasts for a moment before people are being smashed apart by huge train wheels while screaming down freeways.

The other thing that this film reminds me of is “Minority Report” or “I, Robot”, but not for the plot or acting. It’s like a giant, epic television commercial. Something that waves really expensive things which might be available in a store near you in a little while. Things like the new Nokia 8800, the ’09 Caddy concept car, the incredibly expensive jet-powered boat — or the clone of yourself you can use for parts.

All that being said, The Island is quite an entertaining film. It’s not too preachy, but it’s not too schlock. It’s nicely down the middle. And Scarlett Johansson is hot.

irrationale.com gives it 6.5 stars.

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Sean Bean, Steve Buscemi, Puma shoes, Aquafina water, the X-Box, MSN search, Budweiser, Apple computers, Calvin Klein, Nokia phones , the Cadillac Cien, Chevrolet, Ben & Jerry’s and much, much more.
Directed by: Michael Bay.

Set in Spain at the end of the second world war, the film shows part of the brutal and bloody environment that many Spaniards had to endure. Franco’s Fascists had seized Spain and were busying themselves with the butchering of Leftist Rebels.

Enter Ofelia. A ten year old girl who, along with her ailing and heavily pregnant mother, are on their way to a small mill in the Spanish mountain region. There they are to live with her new and incredibly wicked stepfather, the fascist Captain Vidal. And while the Fascists are slaughtering rebels, and her mother is growing sicker while carrying the Captain’s child, Ofelia finds a Labyrinth with the help of a fairy.

Pan’s Labyrinth is set in war-torn Spain, towards the end of the second world war. For those who don’t know, the Fascists – led by Franco – came out on top at the end of WWII, and were in power until 1978. It’s a bloody story in itself, and the perfect place for a dark fairy tale. Because at the end of the day, that’s what this film is. A fairy tale. Although I wouldn’t recommend that you take the kiddies along – It’s a bit too bloody for that.

So here we are at the start of Franco’s Spain. Isolated pockets of Leftist Rebels fight against the Fascists, but are having a tough time of it. Enter Ofelia.

Ofelia is ten years old. She and her ailing, heavily pregnant mother are on their way to an isolated mill where her new stepfather – the terrible Captain Vidal – is fighting to destroy a local cell of leftist rebels. With her mother sick and her new stepfather a brutal and opressive human monster, the young Ofelia is led into a Labyrinth one evening by a fairy.

Within the Labyrinth, she meets a frightening but friendly satyr, who tells her that she is the princess of a long forgotten underworld kingdom, that her father has been waiting for her return for many years and that to get back in to the underworld empire she must complete his three tasks without question or hesitation.

So off she goes. Completing the satyr’s tasks and seeing incredible and fascinating things while her wicked stepfather tries to wipe out the resistance by any bloody means necessary, and her mother gets sicker and sicker while carrying the Captain’s child.

The performances are incredible, and help to make the film such a treat to watch. Ivana Baquero shines as Ofelia, managing to emotionally charge scenes which are heavily laden with special effects – an incredible task, especially for so young an actor. I’ve seen plenty of older actors in similar situations, and it seems that the actor is only there for filler while you look at the incredible effects. In Baquero’s case, she is still the star of the scene and the effects are merely there to amplify the strength of her performance. Maribel Verdu is captivating as Ofelia’s mother and Sergi Lopez is an unfathomable human monster while playing Captain Vidal.

But no matter how good the performances are – and they’re pretty damned good – at the end of the day it’s all about what Del Toro can make you see and feel during the film. His innovative and exciting visual style is employed in every scene. His fantasy sequences are incredible, as he – unlike many modern directors – is almost experimental with his special effects. Where others might make an entire scene with computer graphics, Del Toro has opted for a mixed approach – practical effects, computer animation, exquisite makeup, modeling, and much more. These scenes have a terrible beauty as they contrast the peace of nature and fantasy with the brutal acts of war in the real world.

So, leave the kiddies at home and check out this incredible fairy tale for adults. It’s gripping, captivating and a feast for the eyes with stunning images and characters. But don’t be surprised if these things make it past your eyes and into the places of dreams and nightmares.